We all complain. Sometimes silently to ourselves. Sometimes loudly to others. Sometimes with valid reason.
But every time we complain, something happens to us in the background. We give away power. We move away from being a leader. We shift from being the creator of outcomes to being the victim of them.
And what often drives this shift is a narrative we create about the situation. Not the facts, but our interpretation of the facts. We tell ourselves it should not be this way, someone else is to blame, and we have no choice but to be frustrated or disappointed.
We often relate to the circumstances as bigger than who we are in regard to making a difference in resolving them.
That interpretation we create becomes what we at DorWay™ refer to as a “story”.
What We Mean by “Story”
A story can be a type of lie because it’s not what actually happened. It’s the meaning we add, the emotional reasoning we justify, and the conclusions we draw that are not rooted in the facts. We turn what’s so into something personal, dramatic, or righteous. And when we live and act from the story instead of the facts, we are no longer living in the reality of the situation or circumstance, we are living in a distortion of the situation or circumstances. That distortion becomes our excuse to step away from responsibility and leadership.
Example:
- What’s so (Fact): The meeting started late.
- The story: “They don’t respect my time,” “This team is disorganized,” “No one here knows how to lead.” “It’s always a waste of time.”
That story gives us justification for our complaint. But it also removes us from ownership, responsibility, and action.
It gives us the illusion of being right but at the cost of our effectiveness. And in that moment, we are no longer leading. We become the victim.
Why We Complain
We often complain not because we are incapable, but because we are operating inside a fixed context, a way of seeing ourselves and the situation that leaves us feeling powerless.
We interpret that we don’t have enough authority, intelligence, influence, or permission. We believe we’re not being heard, not respected, or that our voice won’t matter. And from that interpretation, we begin to collapse into resignation. We don’t see possibility, so we complaints.
Sometimes we don’t even realize we’ve stepped out of leadership. We think we’re just venting, processing, or expressing concern but what we’re actually doing is avoiding responsibility and hoping someone else will resolve it for us.
Early in my career, I had a manager who taught me a lesson I’ll never forget. I’d walk into his office and start complaining. And he would look at me and say:
“Are you expecting me to resolve your complaint? Can you see that you are handing me the problem?”
And the truth is, I was. I didn’t say it, but I was handing him my frustration and the problem like a runner hands over a baton.
He’d stop me and say:
“Leave the meeting, come back in ten minutes with three possible solutions.”
At first, it irritated me, made me concerned about coming up with the right answers. Made me want to look good in from of my manager. But it also made me think. Not all my solutions worked, and many weren’t well-formed. But that opened the door to something more powerful than just feeling some type of relief, it opened the door to coaching.
Without me even knowing it, he was teaching me to think strategically and to manage up.
He used my poor solutions as a chance to build my critical thinking and strategic skills. And very quickly, I stopped walking in with complaints. I started showing up with solutions. And when I did not come with solutions, he ended the meeting until I did. That shift was one of the early moments where I began leading.
The Real Cost of Complaining
Complaining might feel like a release of pressure, but it robs us of leadership.
It breaks down:
- Trust with our teams
- Momentum in our work
- Ownership in our mindset
- Confidence in ourselves
- Integrity in our communication
When we hand over our complaints instead of owning them, we reinforce helplessness. We disengage from the very future we said we were committed to. We stop doing the very job we were hired to do and pass on our responsibilities to those we complain to.
Resilience Is Stepping into Leadership When It Would Be Easier to Walk Away
At DorWay™, we don’t define resilience by how much discomfort we can endure. We define it by our willingness to return to the conversation, the tough conversations, the ones we avoid or withhold. We define it by our willingness to return to our commitments, and to return to who we said we would be, especially when it would be easier to avoid, control, or complain.
Resilience isn’t about force or endurance; it’s about choosing to lead when it would be easier to fade into the background.
It’s about allowing ourselves to lead even when all evidence suggests we don’t have the answers, or when we don’t see ourselves as leaders in that moment. Leadership is a voluntary act.
Complaining is easy. Disengaging is easy. But the leader is the one who chooses to come back, take responsibility, and lead regardless of the situation or circumstance.
That is resilience in action.
Managing Agreements Is What Resilient Leaders Do
Underneath almost every complaint is a broken or unspoken agreement followed by a request or demand waiting to happen. Instead of confronting it, we often blame, avoid, or expect others to fix it. But resilient leadership is not about enduring problems. It’s about engaging in the conversations we’re avoiding.
Managing agreements is a skill and a stand a leader takes.
It requires:
- Courage to say what’s missing
- Humility to acknowledge our own role
- Integrity to clean up what’s broken
- A willingness to realign, renegotiate, and recommit
When we step back into the conversation and manage our agreements rather than complain about what isn’t working, we reclaim our leadership, and we build trust.
That is resilience.
Execution: What to Do Now
Leadership doesn’t mean we never complain. It means we know what to do with our complaints and what to do when others bring them to us.
Here’s how we begin practicing resilient leadership:
- Notice a complaint you’ve been repeating. Write it down. Be honest about where you’re blaming, excusing, justifying or avoiding.
- Ask: What agreement is missing, broken, or unclear? Behind nearly every complaint is a breakdown in an agreement that was never made, wasn’t clear, or wasn’t kept. Integrity is out somewhere. Go find it.
- Identify the request or demand that hasn’t been made. Every complaint contains a want, a need, or an expectation. Ask: What am I expecting that I haven’t spoken? What do I need to request to move this forward?
- List three possible solutions. Don’t wait for someone else to fix it. Practice leading. Manage up. Stretch your thinking. Even if the solutions are imperfect, this step activates your ownership.
- Have the conversation. Take one situation or relationship where something is unresolved and re-engage. Speak from your commitments, not your complaints. Manage the agreement. Don’t wait for someone else to do it.
- Coach others, don’t do their job for them by taking ownership of their complaints. Remember, the employee is the one with the complaint. If an employee or colleague brings you a complaint, don’t be the kind of manager who takes ownership and resolves it for them. Be the kind of leader who says: “Leave the meeting for 10 minutes, come back with three possible solutions and a request or demand to move this forward.”
They might be concerned about coming up with the right answer. Let them be concerned. Giving up the need to be perfect or always having the right answer may be exactly what they need to break through.
Do not fall into the trap of thinking “Ill just give them the answers to save time or to make sure they do not fail.”
You’re sitting in your leadership seat today because someone made you think, someone let you deal with your time concerns, allowed you to fail, to stretch, and solve. Now it’s your turn to pass that moment on. That one coaching conversation might be the beginning of their leadership.
- Ask for coaching when needed. If your own solutions fall short, that’s your opportunity to grow. Resilient leaders don’t hide behind performance; they seek feedback, challenge, and the development that moves them forward.
Leadership doesn’t mean we never complain. There are valid complaints. It means we know what to do with our complaints.
Final Thought
We cannot lead from our complaints. And we cannot build anything lasting from blame, justification or excuses.
We reclaim our leadership when we stop expecting others to solve our frustration and instead take ownership of our role in coming up with solutions and creating a new future.
That’s what my manager taught me. That’s what resilient leaders do. And that’s what we practice every day at DorWay™.
Because leadership is not about reacting to what is, It’s about returning to who we said we would be.
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